Life After the End

My life ended as I knew it

A few months ago, as we speak

It wasn’t the most important thing in the world

But was a big change for me

I spent six years with a good person

Who I thought I would be with for life

I was right in thinking we were meant to be

I was wrong about the length of time

A broken engagement was not in my plans

But became how things had to be

The ending was considerate and respectful

Sometimes, the right thing is to leave

I don’t mean to imply that it was easy

I thought it would be hard; it was worse

I wrote in my journal, I cried on my journal

I threw myself into my work

In boxes I packed my allotted possessions

I moved house for the second time in a year

The eczema that I get whenever I am stressed

Came up on my neck, hands, feet and ears

I talked when I needed to, called my people

I worked through a lot by myself

I am lucky to have a support system

Some things can’t be handed to somebody else

The world does not pause for the ending of yours

I know that, and this year I’ve lived it

Never before have I felt so seen

Yet somehow, so very rarely witnessed

My greatest fears had unfolded

At the same time, so had many big dreams

The whiplash would make the room spin around me

As I crashed into bed every eve

It became a lifeline more than habit

To look for small joys in every day

A lot of the time, they were the only things

That were holding a breakdown at bay

And break down I did, I had to

What kind of friend to myself would I be

To deny myself the depth of my feelings

Because my life now was just me?

I find it easy to devote myself

To an external recipient of my care

This year, the question demanded of me

Was when I need me, would I be there?

And I was. Wherever I go, I am

I knew I had to let myself feel

Years of working to be vulnerable

Have helped me to sit and to heal

My motto on my hardest days has been,

‘I am not okay, but I am present’

That, to me, is worth more than being happy

It may hurt, but I never regret it

There is no such thing as love that’s wasted

There’s no shame in a chapter closing

I do not have to be different, or make myself less

To be loved, to be wanted and chosen

I hold little fear for the future

The right things will come, in their time

And I am very grateful for what my life is

It’s not perfect, but at least it is mine